I first took a vested interest in being a ‘woman online’ in early 2023 — I was obsessed with the Cyberfeminism Index by Mindy Seu both in its inventory form and content, and was swept up in reading about the lore of the VNS Matrix; Merchants of Slime. Their Cyber Feminist Manifesto for the 21st Century, 1991, added a vulgar human layer to a relationship I hadn’t been able to articulate. “Suck my code” “go down on the altar mercenaries” and the use of sexual references encapsulated the fetishisation of the digital that has now become explicit. Later in the year, I spoke to Francesca from VNS Matrix and was surprised by how matter of fact this revolutionary practice seemed to her; controlled chaos rather than a riot. She handed me the manifesto and particular excerpts on a stack of cards, it felt like a sign to start reworking my relationship with the cyber-world. Yet as they were passing through the gallery, I noted that they all still used their phones. Weird. For some reason I’d assumed that they wouldn’t, given their knowledge of the internet and the overtly sexual, unforgiving and sacrificial language they had used in the manifesto. I thought they would have opted out of whatever system we were in.
From then on I began to unpack the idea of internet intimacy under the project header of tiamo; the internet ate me out, as I felt I was often giving more than I was getting. What I gave of myself to the internet and the time I put into my capitalist existence was more than I was getting in return. I was unsure of what I was getting, as it was hard to imagine a life without all this yet I could never fully pinpoint what I solely got from the internet and my devices. The answers seemed infinite yet I was empty.
I finger my computer 8hrs a day yet it never comes and we repeat this dance day in and out - when will it reach orgasm so I can be finished. I have been in this relationship longer than I have with any romantic partner but it has never satisfied me as one.
Do I have a relationship with my device or am I in one? I had become self-critical of this relationship and the more I consumed about the dynamics of this relationship through the very device itself, the more I thought about and became cognisant of the fact that I am in the deepest relationship I have ever been in. It knows more about my life than I do, it can paint a more accurate picture of me than my parents who raised me. How did I give all this away? Knowingly?
My digital relationship leaked into everything and the world within it became richer opulent whilst the world outside of it became muted and weirdly indistinguishable. Food became less enjoyable and flavours seemed to be lacking, I wanted richer, spicier and saltier. Songs didn’t envelope me anymore, opening up worlds as my device could and what I needed or sought, that intensity of feeling I thought I could rely on from indulging in my favourite things, didn’t even deliver. Muffled almost, or muzzled by the grips of the device, having tied a translucent blindfold over my eyes with which to see the world through.
Everyday, nearly, I have thought about quitting social media and have made many a valiant effort including:
deleting Instagram off my phone
downloading all my data and images off Instagram
counting my blessings for never having signed up for TikTok and Twitter, as well as, abandoning Snapchat and BeReal once my teens ended
moving my phone and laptop away from my bed so I can’t check it first thing
not using mobile data and relying on free wifi
using the Pomodoro technique for when I can check notifications
reading many many many Substack posts which all say the same thing about getting of ya fucking phone — notable mentions:
listening to classical music and watching pre 2000s fashion runways and seeing how it all so so elaborately beautiful
unfollowing all influencers or content accounts on Instagram
reading on commutes
having “decluttering” time by forcing myself to do nothing on commutes
going outside
this quote: Remember this the next time you fall asleep to a TikTok playing on an endless loop: one day your heart will stop beating. The only thing that’s eternal is love. - Catherine Shannon
For many of these things, I was still on my device, sure, but the main thing I wanted to do was get off social media, as I saw that as the root cause of most of my evil. The devil being Instagram. Leaving social media behind, for brief periods at a time, led me to other ‘documentation’ platforms that definitely lacked the perceptive element of Instagram but still had me exercising my inner critic to assess once again what I liked and didn’t like. Spending time on Goodreads, Letterboxd and many other rating metrics, I even found myself beginning to spend more time on LinkedIn and checking my emails. I still had that desire to “check in” and see if anything had changed. I still had that need to know of what was going on at all times and somehow consistent checking and knowing something left me in control.
“Even if you delete Instagram, you still live in an Instagram world, in which, for example, the aesthetic possibilities, pathways to fame, and social dynamics are all profoundly influenced by the platform.” - Elan Ullendorf
Often, I have this binge mentality to Instagram, especially as a creative, I think balls to the wall lets do it and commit and at least make Instagram my bitch. Use it as the tool that it should be and reap it for all its rewards, make money, gain followers and boost the fuck out of being a mUlTi-DisiPliNaRy cReAtIve *sigh*. But after the high of imagined fame, freedom and fortune the reality would come crashing in that, no, I could not control the tool as it controlled me. Hitting all these “goals” would be exactly as the algorithm ordered and I would be but a begging bitch to it’s metrics and picky performance analytics.
Some people in the field make it work and hold their forever active status as a trophy. Being chronically online a badge of honour for the elite that can create and cultivate a “community” and yet for us getting the dregs, finding ourselves getting excited about new followers that turn out to be bots, the trade off just never seems worth it.
On a random Tuesday in my life, two old acquaintances who I only connect with over socials simultaneously announced their departure from Instagram, one for the sake of leaving the app and the other for a new found interest in beekeeping. My first thought was ‘how archaic’ as I envisioned myself in maiden wear. My second thought was ‘yes’. And my third was lost to the app itself.
My end goal with all of this was always to get a “dumb” phone, a nokia or flip phone that can do all that you functionally need; connect you with people. Yesterday, I finally did it. A scuba blue Nokia which I am to bedazzle with the stickers I bought in July, from when I first had the idea. This action comes after, cumulatively, probably a good year of figuring out what the hell I need from the internet and how to quit. Digital sobriety. I had always framed it as an addiction because it was, the psychological urge was daily, damming and undefiable. The fact that everyone had the same one just made it so much easier to entertain. No shame when there is no one to shame you, only internal guilt, which most of the time leads to bingeing or doom-scrolling. A big fuck you to your self-critical inner voice.
And now I must adapt again, and untether and re-discover offline luxuries.
offline activities in january (so far):
Thinking about movie worlds/times I want to exist in: really only Notting Hill comes to mind [must be the whole small corner of the earth thing]
Read - Young Mungo by Douglas Stuart, All Fours by Miranda July
Baked a Cinnamon Babka
Walked the same route I do everyday and noticed someone had removed the wasps nest on the side of the highway that used to ironically sit on top the “DANGER” sign
Dancing in a club to 70s funk and disco, hands free and no bag!!
Bar-hopping & people watching
Evening walks and chocolate
Radio [silence]
Went to the theatre, twice
Bought gifts for people
Signed up to random things and went into places that I had no intention of going into
So incredible, loved reading this ❤️❤️❤️❤️